I’ve been dragging my feet writing for the past day….not that I don’t want to write, but perhaps because I just have so many ideas, so many thoughts I have a hard time deciding which way to go. I have this list of “up and coming posts” over there to the right – see it? – however keep finding myself writing other posts with other ideas. I find myself asking God if He will let my mind slow down just a tad here…but it does not seem to be a prayer He is interested in hearing.
Yet, something has happened in the last 16 hours or so that has once again brought my mood from the mountain top of praising God to the valley where I am desperately looking for the promises that seemed so clear and real just 24 hours ago. I know I am not alone on this one, and I know going thru what I am going thru (which I do promise to share, but my hands are literally tied for a bit longer) there is no doubt that I would have my moments where I feel like nothing more than wallowing in the depths of despair. I have to say that I am okay with this change in mood…the only thing is I have a need to pinpoint where it was coming from (again part of my training thru the amazing Life Skills course!).
So, last night when I had noticed this change in mood I started going thru the list of possibilities to see what was causing it and how to address that cause in order to grow. As I did this process of trial and error, and sitting with each new possibility, I was able to check each one off with a “no”. Until I got to this one:
Doubting. One simple word, but one mighty word in the life of following Christ – and I am no using “mighty” in a positive light here.
Over the course of the last day I have gone from saying to the Lord, “As you wish” (Mary from the bible and Westley from Princess Bride) to, “Are you sure about that Lord? I don’t think you really mean that? That can’t be for me…even other believers say so.” And the voice that was so prominent, not loud but prominent, for the last week has grown a little quieter. Yes, this could certainly be the route cause of my downturn.
But why do I find myself doubting? Why do any of us find ourselves doubting? I have now seen too much, experienced too much of God’s voice sharing with me His truth and reality – and what He is promising me that it amazes me that I could doubt any of the wonderful, amazing things He tells me.
This is where the reprise comes in!
However, as I sat here half-heartedly praying for some clarity while I ate my bacon and eggs (yes I eat this almost every morning – but that is the subject of another blog), it dawned on me what was going on. It is not God that I am doubting – it is me. (Which does that really mean I am doubting God, since he is the one that created me? See, another thought! I guess I have more thinking to do.)
And then it hit me like a ton of balloons (it wasn’t as heavy as bricks and I can’t think of another analogy!)…that what I wrote about 2 weeks ago, about being called an “athlete” and how I was going to allow others to fill me up with Christ’s love, remember that one? If not, here’s the link so you can be on board!
This “receiving love” is still my problem…for I was looking to God to receive only what I wanted to receive – but not what I need to receive. See the difference?….Oh, this is the ironic truth a lot of times in the walk with Christ. Realizing this, I can honestly say I might have regressed even more since that posting…meaning moving further away from allowing God to reach me thru His people. I know I am not the only one on this…for in this day and age where we seem to hurt people for sport – it is really hard to let the good in and the bad out…which always makes me think of what Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman, “I guess it’s just easier to believe the bad,” or something to that effect.
See, as I have begun to share my story…of what I have come out of recently…people want to give me their sympathy. But because I know I am right where God wants me to be, that it was HE that led me out and has set me free…I immediately try to shut them down, tell them not to cry for me or whatever it is they want to do. And I know better – I know I cannot tell some one else how to feel or not feel, how to think or not think about my predicament. None of us should ever do this to another…so, I had to ask myself time and again over these last few weeks why this was/is my reaction – why I get a little defensive and – dare I say -even irritated at people’s sympathy? Especially after writing about accepting God’s love thru others…you think I would just get what God was trying to do. (Now I am back to thinking I am not such a fast learner…)
Yet, when I shared a little bit of my story with someone yesterday, I think I actually allowed his sympathy for me to seep into my heart ever so slightly. I didn’t immediately say that all was good, but just sat for a brief moment and accepted his sympathy…and unbeknownst to my conscious mind – I allowed God in.
Thru letting in just that little bit of sympathy from another human being, to know that someone else was sorry for the pain and hurt I have suffered – I now hear God sharing these emotions with me in a new way. That He of course can see my pain from where He is, but that part of learning to let the good in and set the bad on fire so it runs out – is to let others touch me, touch you with their emotions. For this is God’s heart – that we would be Christ to one another in the physical form -thru looks, tears, hugs and even “sloppy wet kisses”…for we are not just spiritual bodies, but physical as well.
I wish I could say that realizing all of this makes me feel better; but the truth is now I can see why I kept other’s sympathy out – for it actually hurts more. It hurts to know that others might actually hurt for me, and to know that God, the Prince of Peace – hurts for me. That while I am really good at offering my own heart to others, I cannot do this for myself. That through others, God is crying for me, for my pain and my suffering…and He is crying for you, for what you have been thru and will go thru…for none of this pain and suffering was the original part of His good and perfect plan for us – none of it.
This is what I love about Jesus, and after writing this post I now feel even closer to the Person of Jesus. Jesus was the physical body of the triune God…he came to show us that while we are spiritual beings, he cares for us in our physical bodies…he experienced our pain and thru him we find comfort and healing. I don’t think I could do justice to the passage I am thinking about…and so I leave you with a link to a sermon we had the pleasure of listening to just a few weeks ago called the Miraculous Tear.
I hope you will go and watch it, or at least listen to it as you do things around the house, in the car or on the treadmill. I think you will find a different person than you often think Jesus to be; a person that, even though he knew the outcome of Lazuras’ death would not be death…that Jesus broke down and “bitterly wept”…why? Well you will just have to watch the video to find out!
I leave you with this prayer: That you would let the Almighty God into your life not just on our terms, but on His. That if He wants to show you love thru other people…even if this is thru pain and hurt of other people’s tears – you would allow Him to come in, weep and suffer with you. For only by allowing Him to do that, will you be able to come out the other side a much healthier soul – one that knows how to receive Love in all His forms.